Yo can I get some Channel 741?

5 10 2009

I imagine [not from experience, of course] that crack is pretty awesome. Well I’m here to tell you that Comcast’s new Redzone channel is better than crack. This Sunday from 1-4 pm I was lucky enough to get a free preview of this brand new feature and I’d like to tell the world about it [so get ready all 8 of you readers].

For those of you unfamiliar with the Redzone channel it’s this new thing that you put in a pipe, heat the bottom with a lighter and inhale. Okay, I’ll stop.

But seriously, I’m still recovering from a Sunday filled with nonstop football, so differentiating the two is tough. The Comcast Redzone channel is actually a channel that shows live footage of every NFL game being played at the time, jumping from game to game to game to game to game…SERIOUSLY IT DOESN’T STOP!

Why doesn’t it stop? Because there are no commercials. NO COMMERCIALS.

None of the FM radio bullshit that claims a commercial free hour but ends up taking out 15 minutes to talk about sponsors in between songs. There are absolutely no commercials.

Comcast’s goal is to have the games on where teams are in the redzone [20 yard line to the goal line]. They show football from the first kickoff at 1 pm to the last second at 7ish [as a poor college student only receiving the free trial, Comcast deprived me of this greatness at about 5:03.] [Unlike crack, however, the withdrawal was far easier to handle]. If no one is in the Redzone, don’t fret, because they still show you football, most likely the game with the most action at the time.

There’s this man sitting at a desk [let’s call him God] who occasionally eases the transition from game to game by giving the audience a break down of the game situation. In the event that two games are in the Redzone [holy shit my head is going to explode], God calmly gives a play-by-play of each situation until there is a score, turnover, etc., in which case we go back to viewing one game. In addition to all the scoring updates, God gives us injury reports, fantasy leaders, and everything else a college football fan could ask for, except of course for crack.

After calling Comcast to order the awesomeness that is the Redzone channel, the kind woman on the other line explained their newest deal. She said that for a small fee of $49.99 Comcast will offer actual crack during NBA season. WOO!

Until then, I guess I can only get my fix on Sunday [unless you happen to know a guy?] [Seriously do you know anyone?] [Come on, don’t hold out on me bro] [Fine! I’ll wait ‘til Sunday.]