Bill Belichick’s Magic Hoodie…wasn’t so magical

19 11 2009

During two internships at investment banks, feeling uncomfortable having ESPN.com open on my company’s computer all day, I found myself in the Bloomberg sports section quite frequently. One of the main writers in this section was Scott Soshnick. Nearly every article I read of his was filled with nonsense. Making ludicrous claims, random anecdotes and idiotic conclusions were just a few of his specialties. But with no outlet to vent I was stuck frustrated in my cubicle. Now that I have my blog I get the chance to break down his articles FJM style. His latest disaster is below in bold with my hysterical responses in between.

Nov. 18 (Bloomberg) — Bill Belichick’s hoodie provides cover from more than inclement weather.

It also complements his beautiful eyes?

It also serves to block the periphery, the noise, the distraction.

Oh. I wonder where the Patriots get their cotton from.

Belichick can only see what’s in front of him. Perfect for a man with tunnel vision.

He must get some serious neck pains coaching his team every week. That or he runs the sidelines very quickly.

Belichick, coach of the National Football League’s New England Patriots, has always seen things in concrete terms. Black. White.

Not only is he partially blind, but he’s racist too. I knew I had a good reason to hate him.

In professional sports that means winner and loser. There’s no middle ground.

If only there was a name for a situation where the game ends and both teams have the same score. Just one of those mysteries of the universe I guess.

Belichick finds no comfort, gains no solace, from workmanlike effort or oh-so-close. There are no moral victories in the NFL, not to Belichick, only the euphoria of his team scoring more points in the allotted time.

Euphoria [I was going to link to a “euphoric” picture of Bill Belichick, but there isn’t a single one in the google universe of him smiling].

Belichick went for it for two reasons: 1) he thought it gave his team the best chance to win and 2) his three Super Bowl rings give him enough clout with ownership that he doesn’t have to worry about what anyone thinks.

3) He had the Colts in a 3 game teaser.

Not newspaper columnists. Not babbling sports radio hosts. Not even his former player Rodney Harrision, who called it “the worst decision” he’d ever seen, or former coaches like Tony Dungy, he of one Super Bowl victory, who told NBC’s audience that punting was the only option.

Funny off topic tid-bit that really got absolutely no media play: Jim Caldwell was never shown on camera speaking into his headset during that game. Dead silence, the entire game. My roommates and I have come up with the notion that Payton Manning is actually the coach, and that Jim Caldwell is some homeless dude that they found on the street, stuck a headset on, and called “coach” when Dungy left. Just a theory, I’ll probably devote an entire post to it if I watch another Colts game.

I like what Belichick did against the Colts. So, by the way, did former General Electric Co. Chief Executive Officer Jack Welch, who tweeted as much. Passing on the punt, passing up the safe, certainly beats boring.

This made me laugh. Listen, I know you write for a financial news organization, but really? Mentioning Jack Welch once in a post and not referencing it again makes no sense. Jack Welch is not a trusted source when it comes to football. If you are, however, interested in gaining advice about giving your wife half of your net worth after a messy divorce, hit this fellow up.

This time, though, it didn’t beat the Colts, who, behind Peyton Manning, took over and found the end zone.

Colts won. Patriots lost.

Jack Welch sad.

I could bore you with the statistical analysis, all of which, by the way, says Belichick, percentage-wise, did the right thing. I won’t.

Oh how borrrrring. How ludicrous it would be if in a post defending a risky decision by Bill Belichick you referenced fairly accurate statistics breaking down the possible outcomes. Thank goodness you picked other ways to back up your argument.

Instead I offer Yankees manager Joe Girardi, who was second-guessed plenty for his decision to use a three-man rotation in the World Series.

Like a baseball manager.

/hand slap to the forehead.

“The interesting thing about what people were calling second-guessing is they don’t know if their idea would have worked,” said Girardi, who, oh yeah, won the World Series. “We base our decisions on a lot of preparation. We don’t do anything where we just pull something off the wall. Every decision is not going to go according to plan, and you have to deal with it and you have to answer for it.”

Thank you Joe Girardi…for vaguely summarizing everything that happened?

Belichick dealt with it. He answered for it. Now you can bet he’s forgotten about it. New England hosts the Jets on Sunday.

Ugh, don’t remind me.

Don’t be surprised if, somehow, someway, unconventional wisdom emerges from the hoodie.

Bill Belichick’s hoodie projected stats:

23 carries 167 yards rushing 2 TDs

[He’s starting for my fantasy team]

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